Not What I Thought

I have been fasting on the 14th of every month. It wasn't what I had imagined. I thought it would be very solemn, that I would spend most of the day in prayer and meditation. I guess that is hard to do when you have to continue living life w/ 3 children. We were in Pensacola this month at mema's. Anyone who know mema knows that she is going to question why you aren't eating. I went ahead and explained to her that I would be fasting and of course I got "why?" Didn't really want to tell her that is was b/c we are considering adoption. Too many questions to have to answer. I just told her that I had made a commitment and felt like fasting was a good practice. That was enough to satisfy her.
The day went well. I was definitely more tempted to eat being at her house. But I did it. I went on the front porch and caught up on some Bible reading. It was actually very peaceful. I wish I could do that sometimes here. It seems so hard to just stop and be peaceful.
Anyways, I am feeling more and more confident in adoption. Although, I don't really have any clue how and where to begin. It also seems like as soon as we get a little closer to paying down our debt, something happens and we have a big sum of money go out the window. This time it is the frig. I will be purchasing a new one today. I was really hoping we would be able to go to Disney this year before we have to pay for Izzy but I guess we will be enjoying a new refrigerator instead :( Oh well, that's life.
I am not sure where Craig stands on the adoption issue. I haven't talked to him about it in a while. I guess we need to discuss it again. I don't want him to think I have dropped it b/c I haven't talked about it in a while. I am sure he doesn't think that. I am not the type of person to just decide to let things go :)
I am really excited to see how and when God is going to begin to open doors for us to add to our family. I can't wait to meet our new addition!

Tired Update

So I survived my first day of fasting. Not sure I did what I was supposed to. I was so hungry that it was distracting. I did have water and coffee in the morning and then had dinner that night. I did study the word and pray but I'm not sure it was how one really is supposed to go about fasting. I think next month I will try and do a little studying about fasting. Maybe that will help me clear a few things up.
Today I am a little down. I don't feel like we are making any progress towards paying off debt and getting to a point where we will be able to start moving forward towards adoption. I am not sure of a lot of things. Not sure that Craig is on board. I think he is just hoping I will just forget about all of this as time goes on. I am not sure I am completely on board will all of this. There are days I just don't feel like I can handle another child. I don't think I am a very good mom on most days. I just don't know about a lot of things. I guess that is why God is taking his time with all of this. And I thought I was a patient person. Maybe I'm just tired right now. Work has been crazy and I haven't been sleeping good. I just feel like if we could just get this house sold things would start happening. I have been working extra and it seems like there is always something that comes up that we have to use the extra money I've earned to pay for. At least we are not going further into debt. I can praise the Lord about that.
We start a new Bible study tomorrow w/ the Sunday School class. Guys and girls are meeting separate but we are studying the same book. Gospel in Life by Timothy Keller. I pray I get some more wisdom or insight into all I feel like God is calling me to do right now. I just feel like I have so much on my plate and I don't know how to manage it all. Not to mention that the boys are about to start soccer and T-ball which will complicate things a little more. I just need a couple of days to rest I think :) I know, not gonna happen. Thank goodness its almost the weekend!

First Fast

Today is the 14th. I am going to fast from food today. It has been a really long time since I have fasted. I don't think I have fasted since I was in high school. Too long! I pray that I can begin to get a clear answer and some hope as to what Craig and I are supposed to do. Are we really supposed to adopt? Are we supposed to just be sponsoring a child or a group? Should we be supporting a couple who are trying to adopt and need help? I don't know. All I know is that I have a desire in my heart that only God could have put there. I just wish I could do more now. We have so much debt and I just can't see an end to it anytime in the near future. I know how expensive adoption is. If it takes us 3-4 years to pay off our debt, then we have to save money to adopt...it is going to be a long time before it happens. I want to adopt now. I want to make a difference now. I want to do this while my children are still young. But I guess this is not about what I want. This is about what God wants and about what he has planned. God teach me your ways. Help me to know you more through all of this. Help me to discover what you have called me to. Open Craig's heart to all of this. Give him the same desire and longing I have for a child who needs a family. Please make us one on this, we need to be on the same page. If this is not his desire, take this desire from me, Lord. Give us peace as to what we are to do. Help us to do your will and not mine or his. Open our children's hearts to know what we are to do and help them to be receptive. Help us to teach them how you have adopted us into your family. Thank you God for adopting me! I am so undeserving! You are awesome, Father.

One Step Closer

Decided to cancel my iphone. I am pretty tired of basically making another car payment on phones. It is totally ridiculous that we pay as much as we do just to have our iphones. I need to look into how much its going to cost me to cancel my contract though. Praying its not a big deal. Also, we have dropped the price on the house. Praying God will send a buyer soon so we can get serious about paying down our debt!
Also, I became a sponsor yesterday for Show Hope. Very excited about what God has in store for our family in the new year!

Just the begining

No one knows about this blog. I have started for myself to blog about my journey through adoption. I have always wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. I'm not so sure how my husband really feels. He says now that he is more open to the idea than he was before but I'm not sure if he is just appeasing me.

We have 3 biological children. Elijah is 6, Tyler is 4, and Izzy is 22 months. We have a great family. The American Dream! I guess. It just doesn't feel complete to me. I know that there is a little child out there that is mine. Waiting for mommy to come get him or her. I don't see how you could show that love of Christ anymore clearly than to adopt an orphan. But I guess I am jumping ahead of myself.

I have 3 sisters, 2 of which have adopted children. They have adopted children b/c they are unable to have children of their own. I haven't told them that Craig and I are going to adopt. Maybe I shouldn't tell them until Craig can tell me that he whole-heartedly wants to go through with this. I told mother and she seemed a little hesitant about it. She just wants to be sure this is not something I am forcing on Craig. Maybe I am. So from this day on, I won't say anything else about it to him. I am going to let him bring it up. He is just worried about the financial aspect that is involved. Which leads me to another concern I have. Dept.

We have a lot of debt. And when I say a lot, I mean $40,000 of debt! It is my fault. Instant gratification. I am not self-controlled. And the sad part is that I have spent a lot on credit cards just to get a "deal". I don't even want to think about how much I am and already have paid for some things! Makes me sick to my stomach. I keep telling myself that I need to just shred all the cards but I am scared to. I am afraid that some emergency will come up and we won't have a means of payment. This is a struggle of my faith. I know that we have family and friends that would help us out if we needed help but I still hold on. #1 goal of next year (2011): payoff half our debt!

I feel like I am rambling and I guess I am. I was very excited about this journey until I talked to mother. Maybe I am just on an emotional high. Maybe we aren't supposed to adopt. But why would I have this desire in my heart? We recently went to a concert (A Night with the Chapmans) and they entire concert was awesome. God was there. The Chapmans have adopted 3 children and have an organization (Show Hope) for adoption. I am know a sponser. I want to do more than sponser. I want to parent.

I don't know how or even if this will happen. I have committed to fast and pray on the 14th of every month until God has revealed to me and to Craig and our families what we are to do. This blog will be a chronicle of my journey.